Always try to help a friend in need
Believe in yourself
Be brave...but it's ok to be afraid sometimes
Give lots of kisses
Don't be overly concerned with
your weight, it's just a number
Meet new people, even if they look different to you
Take lots of naps..
Love your friends,
no matter who they are
RELAX
Take an occasional risk
Try to have a little fun each day
....it's important
Share a joke with friends
Fall in love with someone..
..and say "I love you" often
Express yourself creatively
Be conscious of
your appearance
Always be up for surprises
Love someone with all of your heart
Share with friends
Watch your step
There is always someone who loves you more than you know
Exercise to keep fit
Live up to your name
Seize the Moment
Indulge in the things you truly love
Hold on to good friends;
they are few and far between
Cherish every Sunday
.. and close your eyes
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MAN...I'm getting so FAT, I can hardly scratch my own bum!
These morning walks are
killing me!
What part of quiet didn't you
understand?
Sorry Mom, I'm
new at this!
I'm so cute, they won't
care if I shred this!
Sleeping in
again
A little power nap.
- How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?
- 1. Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is
young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying
about a stupid burned out bulb?
- 2. Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any
wiring that's not up to code.
- 3. Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!
- 4. Rottweiler: Make me.
- 5. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky
toys in the dark.
- 6. Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the
light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please,
please, please!
- 7. German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led
these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and
make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take
advantage of the situation.
- 8. Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm
bouncing off the walls and furniture.
- 9. Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I
don't see a light bulb!
- 10. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on
the carpet in the dark.
- 11. Chihuahua : Yo quiero Taco Bulb. Or 'We don't need
no stinking light bulb.'
- 12. Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
- 13. Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light
bulbs in a little circle...
- 14. Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear
and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will
be dry.
- How many cats does it take to
change a light bulb?
- Cats do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs.
- So, the real question is:
- 'How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?'
- ALL OF WHICH PROVES, ONCE AGAIN, THAT WHILE DOGS HAVE MASTERS, CATS HAVE STAFF!
- -------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Watch your dog!
The State Highway Patrol in conjunction with the FBI has issued a warning advising all dog owners to keep their dogs indoors until further notice.
PET DIARIES
Whether you are a "cat person" or a "dog person" or both, or neither - I think you will enjoy this.
DOG DIARY 8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite!
11:00 am - Went to the vet. Bummer.
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite!
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite!
CAT DIARY
Day 983 of my captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or
some sort of dry nuggets.
Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must
eat something in order to keep up my strength.
The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.
In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet.
I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Idiots!
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow - but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.
The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move.
My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell,
so he is safe -- For now.
1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth, allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted from cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered Doulton figures from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie cat’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed, force cat’s mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour pint of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and remove pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. Leave cat at Vet’s for entire course of treatment.
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Dear Dogs and Cats:
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -- canine or feline attendance is not required.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!
To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because, they:
1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3. Are easier to train (except: Golden Retrievers)
4. Sometimes come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't want to wear your clothes
10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and...
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children
If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills,
If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,
If you can overlook people taking things out on you when it's not your fault and
something goes wrong,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor and if you can sleep without the aid of drugs...